Elon suffers another day short of trillionaire status

In a world marred with oppression and strife, one injustice rises above all else: Elon Musk is not currently a trillionaire. When SpaceX went public earlier this month, Musk became the world’s first trillionaire. He declared in a victory lap-slash-speech that he aspires to take all of us to the moon, Mars, and “maybe beyond the solar system.” He awkwardly threw his fists in the air while his acolytes cheered him on. But stock prices fluctuate, so right now he’s merely a several-hundred-billionaire, according to Bloomberg’s Billionaires Index. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. How will Musk support his legion of offspring? Can he even afford to keep expanding his already considerable brood, given his outspoken pronatalism? The math is getting complicated. We wish him the best as he navigates this trying time. And Elon, if you need a good rice and beans recipe, or some tips on how to win big at the thrift store, we can point you in the right direction.